What is it Like to be Autistic?

As has been established in prior pieces, there is no singular autistic experience. However, there are many experiences that are common for many on the autism spectrum. This piece will attempt to give a brief sample of an average experience being autistic in a world designed for allistic minds.

To be autistic is to experience the world differently. It can feel like the average person has all of their sensitivity level sliders set to the middle, while yours look like someone rubbed catnip on the sliders then let the cats loose. You may be impervious to cold weather, but extremely sensitive to high pitched sounds. You notice details that no one else does, and find patterns in everything. Sometimes it can seem like a super power, other times like a debilitating weakness.

To be autistic is to collect. Though many collections may be physical, they need not always be. You may collect memorabilia from your favorite science fiction show, or scour the internet for every last demo from your favorite musician. You could also collect an encyclopedic level of knowledge on some esoteric subject, like the diet and lifecycle of every lagomorph species. Once you take a special interest in something, you want to know everything there is to know about it.

To be autistic is to be systematic. You like to put things in order. It bothers you when something is just slightly wrong. You make routines out of things. Once you have a routine, you may stick to it or iterate on it until you achieve ultimate efficiency. You enjoy repetitive tasks and can find a groove in the repetition. You get flustered when something breaks your routine, or you are forced to stay still.

To be autistic is to analyze. The way people interact confounds you, so you study them. You start building simulations of everyone around you in your head, and then use those simulations to dictate how you interact around them. You study the social gestures of those around you, and attempt to replicate in order to fit in, or at least go unnoticed. You develop masks to interact with the world, at the cost of so much energy.

To be autistic is to be overwhelmed. There’s so much data coming in that you can’t handle it all. Your emotions are extreme, but people don’t see it on the outside. You can’t focus to talk when you look someone in the eyes, the feeling is too intense. The lights are too much, the sounds are too much, the smells are too much, the textures are too much - everything can overwhelm.

To be autistic is to be misunderstood. It often feels like a no-win situation. If you say what you mean, somehow extra meaning is perceived. So, you try to explain things more clearly, only now people tune you out and say you talk too much or are annoying. People get mad at you when you don’t do what they implied you do, which you missed. People get mad at you when you do what they told you to do, but you missed that they actually wanted you to do something implied. You get told to stop being so literal all of the time. You find yourself on the outskirts of social groups at best, completely outcast at worst.

To be autistic is to be traumatized. The most accepted way to treat autism is a form of abuse that elicits signs of PTSD after only a few sessions. You are forced to eat and do things that feel terrible to you repeatedly until you learn to deal with it. It still feels terrible, you have just become accustomed to the horror. People often disbelieve you when you are being completely honest, because you don’t show emotions or communicate in a way they understand. Doctors don’t listen to you and ignore your narrative, often making it impossible to get proper treatment for any number of the many medical conditions that may be invisibly hampering your life.